No, it's only okay when I do it
Optician Receptionist: Hi, can I help you?
Me: Hi, I've got an appointment at 11:40 to have an eye removed.
Optician Receptionist: <Look of horror>
Optician Receptionist: <Look of realisation>
Optician Receptionist: Hey, you shouldn't joke. That might be what it is.
Calling the parents
Mum: Your dad's set up a motion camera in the garden, so he can catch either a hedgehog eating mealworms, or a cat shoving them in its armpits.
Me: In its armpits?
Mum: Yeah, you know, like stealing them. Stuffs them in its armpits then runs across the back garden, upright, keeping its front legs pressed down so the mealworms don't fall out, to under the hedge where it can crunch them in peace.
Mum: I'm going to do an impression of it now, down the hallway. You talk to your dad.
Me: If I'm talking to dad who's going to be paying attention to the impre-?
Me: Is it any good?
Dad: Yeah. You should see her impression of a horse doing dressage.
Dad: You can go then, I want some coffee before I go out.
Me: Some coughing?
Me: I can see you doing that, settling down for a good cough. When you're older it can be your hobby.
Me: Yeah. I mean your eyesight will go, so you won't be able to look at birds, and your body is already going so you won't be able to do the gardening, and I think you'll be too proud to admit you can't do them, so you'll pretend you've lost interest. And we'll have to pretend you never liked them, and you'll just be this hunched little grey coughing man.
Calling the parents, redux
Mum: When we were on holiday the other week... OH!
Mum: Some birds are falling out of the box!
Me: What box?
Mum: The nesting box! They're falling out of the nesting box into the water!
Mum: Oh they're ducks! They're baby ducks in the box. Oh, phew.
Me: How are you seeing this happen? It's dark.
Mum: No, it was on Countryfile.
Only okay when I do it #2
- Chucking great grandma's ashes in with great grandad's -
Burial Guy: Yeah, I knew this grave had a bit of stone set in. I knew when I saw it.
Mum: Does dad's?
Grandma: I don't know, I never asked.
Me: Well we'll find out soon enough. WE will. You won't.
- Later -
Burial Guy: No, I don't think this has stone set. You can feel when you step on the ground.
Burial Guy: Still, as you say, you'll find out soon.
Made 40 page faux-trashy magazine for girlfriend this Christmas:
Mum: It's fantastic... such a waste. You need to do something with that talent.
Mum: I was being nice!
Mum: I was being nice!